Peter Kay Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Here's a few jokes some of them are old but theres a few crackers. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to > arrange > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and > heat it. > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said > "Nearest > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the > night > before and shoot the fox. > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I > said "Did you get my drift?". > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a > fast one". > > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said > "Eurostar?". > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was > Wedgie Kray. > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked > for > a-ROMATIC duck". > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic > converter. > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", > he said "Not you again". > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. > > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a > condiment". > > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, > even he's a witch. > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's > bisatchel. > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I > said "Are you two an item?". > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I > thought "That's a turtle disaster". > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want > your > type in here" > > A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this > some > kind of joke?" > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in > here" > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra > > A seal walks into a club... > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint > please, and one for the road." > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts > boasting in an open foyer." > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
